St. Patricks Day.

St. Patricks day is right around the corner. (Actually, it's 2 weeks away, but in some countries it could take 2 weeks to get around a corner.) So you're probably just going to wait until 9:32 pm on March 16th to realize you don't own anything green. So you'll be freaking the freak out and running all over town trying to find something green. Here's a tip, get up from your computer (or smartphone for you mobile readers) and go look in your closet to see if you own something green. If you didn't have anything, go to your neighbors house and look in her closet. If she didn't have something, now you can start freaking the freak out. (Actually, no you can't. Just make yourself a reminder to go find something green this week) But you don't have to wear a green shirt, you can wear anything green. You can paint your nails green, just make sure it's a good shade of green. Not one that looks like some sort of nail fungus. You can put on some green eyeshadow, but not an ugly shade. You want to look like a mystical female leprechaun, not some girl from the 80's with lime green eyeshadow. You could wear green socks, you just have to make sure people can see your feet. But maybe you could hide your feet and then when someone pinches you, you can show them your socks and kick them in their left shin and say something like "YOU FREAKING IDIOT." That would be fun. You could paint your face green. You could stop brushing your teeth and have them grow mold on them. You could wear green pants. You could dye your hair green. The possibilities are endless. You just want to make sure you're wearing green. So you don't get pinched. Cause being pinched hurts. Who even came up with that idea? "Hey, lets invent a holiday where you HAVE to wear green or someone pinches you." Well I'm going to invent my own holiday. You have to wear purple or you get a nail stuck in the bottom of your right foot. It will be on February 28 every single year. Be there, or you get a nail in your foot. Who comes up with these things? I bet the person was high when they came up with it, that's why you have to wear green.. It's one of the days in the year where you can't be original. Well, I guess you can, but you will pay for it in pinches. Just wear green..

Southerners eating habits.

What do a dove, a rabbit, a turtle, a quail, and an alligator all have in common? Well, they're all animals to start off.. But that's not what I'm looking for. They're all animals that people in the south eat. These people are just twisted.. I'm sorry, that was rude, but it's true. Tonight I was talking to a friend of mine from the south. (SHOUTOUT TO GRAM GRAM) She was telling me about some of the foods her family likes to eat. I was so confused and disgusted at the same time. I knew I had to make a comedic blogpost about this. To start things off, I'm going to as you a question. Who wants to eat a dove? A majestic, beautiful, white bird that magicians pull out of their left shoe during magic shows?(I know you just said yes, Gram Gram.) SERIOUSLY PEOPLE? What on earth makes you think this is okay? Now things go even more downhill.. They eat rabbits. Rabbits. Cute little bunny rabbits hopping down the trail looking for a carrot. You want to eat that?What is wrong with you people? What about that sounds appetizing? When I think of rabbits, I don't think "YUM! I would like to eat that for an afternoon snack." I think "OMG SO FREAKING FLUFFY!!" Then we move to the ocean for this next one. They eat turtles… One word; THATISDISGUSTINGANDTWISTED. Turtles. Seriously? In my opinion, that's not really fair to the turtles.. The turtles are too slow to get away from the horrible, mean people who are hunting them. How do you even hunt for turtles? Go to the beach and find a nest? OH MY GOODNESS. That thought just makes me want to cry a bathtub full of tears. (But I guess that can help save on my water bill) Now we can take this one to the home. They also eat quail.. I guess since they're so easy to get they think it's okay. But I think quails belong flying around my neighborhood, not sitting on my plate. Quails are the cutest birds in the world. (With the excepting of big bird. He'll always be in my heart) With their little horns poking up, they're like the unicorns of the bird community. Finally, the most twisted of them all, AN ALLIGATOR. This… I can't even. This creature. This beast from the swamp. You want to eat this? WHY? Can you explain to me what sounds so delicious about an alligator? This thing can bite your head off with one chomp. Maybe they're like bears… They can tell when someone has messed with their kids. You see that alligator crossing the road? (Oh, in the south they also have alligator crossing signs) Yeah, well you just ate it's nephews girlfriend and now it wants to eat your face off. Betcha didn't think of that when you were enjoying your alligator dipped in ranch dressing. Think of it this way, those animals have families, and you took them away from them. Bread doesn't have a family. Green apples don't have a family. Chocolate syrup doesn't have a family. See, the delicious foods aren't as bad because they don't have a family. I wasn't trying to hurt anyones feelings while writing about your sick, nasty, twisted eating habits, but I hope you understand, you're all a bunch of weirdos.

Impress.

Listen up ladies, I'm going to teach you how to nail any guy you want. Just follow me along this journey and you can become Mrs.Insert Crushes Last Name Here. (Hopefully, no ones crush has that last name)

1. Clothes
Obviously, nothing you own has impressed him yet. So you'll want to burn your whole wardrobe and go buy new things. You'll want to shop at stores like Gucci, Prada, Louis Vuitton, Juicy Couture, and Chanel. Even if you bus tables, you can afford these clothes. Who needs electricity when you have a designer handbag?

2. Makeup
Guys dig girls who look pretty. So you'll want to make sure you look nothing like you really do. Cake on as much makeup as you can. Tons of bronzer, blush, eyeliner, and lipgloss. You want to look like a sun-kissed goddess.

3.  Boobs
LET'S BE HONEST. Guys like girls with giant boobs. The bigger the better. So BEFORE you go buy your Juicy Couture bra's, you'll want to get a boob job. Sure, it's expensive, but you'll be able to get any man you want with those things. You can look in the classifieds of your Sunday paper to find someone to enhance your breasts for you.

4. Attitude
You'll want to act as stupid as possible. When he starts talking about anything, ask lots of questions. Even if you have a PhD, you want to act as dumb as you can. Also, laugh at everything he says. Even if he's telling you about how his hermit crab died, LAUGH. And laugh hard, loud, and for a long time. He'll appreciate that you like his sense of humor

So, buy expensive clothes, makeup, and get a boob job and you can impress any guy you want. Don't worry if he doesn't call you for a second date, he's too busy getting over how amazing the first one was.

Favorite Colors.

It seems like the question "What is your favorite color?" pops up a lot in our daily lives. On quizzes, polls, test, and caucuses. I don't really know what a caucus is. It's just fun to say. Try it. Say "caucus" out loud. UNLESS YOURE IN PUBLIC, you don't people to think you're weird. Maybe I should have warned you about saying it aloud before hand because you probably obeyed my commands and said it without reading the next sentence. I appreciate you listening to me, and I promise to try harder to warn you about saying things aloud. Because now the man sitting next to you on the bus thinks you're strange, when in all actuality, he is the strange one and he smells bad too. Anyway, back to the point. Why is knowing someones favorite color so important? Are you only friends with people who's favorite color is green? If you pick friends based on their favorite color, then you have some serious issues, my friend. (Agh. My favorite color isn't green so I can't be your friend.) Why can't we all just go through our daily lives not caring what each others favorite color is? I'm not gonna lie to you though, I'd pick a purple car over any other color if I had the choice. Actually, I'd pick anything purple. I wish my skin was purple. I wish my teeth were purple. WAIT. No I don't. People would think I was weird and then I'd have to be home-schooled and never associate with anyone outside of the internet. But then I wouldn't have anyone asking me what my favorite color is… So maybe I do wish my skin and teeth were purple.. It's a tough decision.. Friends and a social life, or purple skin and no one asking you what your favorite color is? I'll think about it and let you know at a later date. But the point of this story was to try to figure out why it's so important.. I haven't gotten anywhere with it yet, so maybe I'll make a list of things that are purple and something will come to me.

• Grapes
• Beets
• Grape Juice
• Beet Juice
• Barney

This isn't helping..  Maybe I should sleep on it.. I'll have to go find some sheets that say "Why is knowing someone's favorite color so important?" first though.. Last time I was at Target they were all sold out. I want to leave you with something that should make you happy. I don't judge people based on their favorite color. It's a great trait to have. So if you like tangerine orange, green-grape green, or lemon yellow, (I was just trying to feel a little fruity) I will still try to be your friend. So… What's your favorite color?

Animal Shaped Food.

After school today, I ate some Goldfish. Not real goldfish, that's just twisted. The cracker kind. You know what ones I'm talking about.. They have tons of different kinds. Pretzel, parmesan, pizza,  and lots of other kinds that start with the letter P. (Actually, that's a lie, not all of them start with P.) But it got me thinking about how many different foods are shaped like an animal. Like gummy worms.. Delicious, but what if someone gave you a bag of "Gummy Worms" and inside was actual worms? Or what if we just at real worms in general. That's twisted too. Worms are for rainy days, not eating. Then there are animal crackers.. First off, they aren't really crackers. They're cookies. Second, they look NOTHING like the animal they are trying to represent. But maybe the inventor of animal "crackers" wanted to create a fun, delicious snack that could also help kids imaginations run wild. "Hey, mom, what kind of animal is this?" "I think it's a giraffe, or maybe a pig? I don't know.." See how hard that is? Maybe they could start labeling the animal cookie-crackers with what they are. Then I could start sleeping again. There's also Swedish fish. They fall under the same category as Goldfish. (In case you don't know why, it's because they're both fish shaped.) They are actually detailed fish. It worries me that they look a little too real. They're also labelled by their race. Every single fish has the word "Swedish" imprinted on it. I though racism was unconstitutional or something? Finally we have Sour Patch Kids... No, wait. They're not animals, they're children. That's the most twisted out of all of the following snack foods I have previously listed. Imagine eating a child. A sour child. Are kids sour? I've never tasted one.. Anyway.. I had these thoughts about animal/child shaped foods. Even though I love all of them, (except animal cookie-crackers, those things give me the willies) I don't really pay attention to their race, age, gender, or sexual orientation. I pay attention to what really matters. The stuff that's on the inside. It's too bad Goldfish are hollow, I think I'd like them more if they were solid. But if were judging food by it's insides, try a Twinkie. That fluffy, white cream is delicious.

Happiness.

Things that make me happy: 

• Starbucks
• Music
• Listening to music while drinking Starbucks

It's important to be happy. And sometimes, it's the littlest things in your life that can make you the happiest. Like today, right now, I'm drinking a Starbucks Caramel Frapp. Light and listening to music. And I'm as happy as a bird with a french fry. This coffee has a lot of happiness packed into it for only being 16 oz. But I guess the inventor of Starbucks intended to make people happy with it's products. The girl on the cup looks like a mermaid to start things off. She looks so majestic with her long, flowy hair and her crown. She's the princess of the sea. And she's smiling to. (Maybe she just got done drinking a Starbucks herself) And the straw. It's bright green and it matches the green on the cup. (Thanks for matching those, Starbucks, it helps people with OCD feel MUCH better) The little squares that the workers check off when you order makes you think of all the possibilities you can order. There's something for everyone. Coffee lovers. Tea lovers. Hot chocolate lovers. And it's a great place for a date for any kind of lovers. It's also a great pick-me-up. So next time you're sad, follow the following procedure and you're guaranteed a smile:

1. Get in your car (If you don't have a car, you can take the bus, or ask your aunt to take you)
2. Drive to Starbucks
3. Order whatever drink you want
4. Go home (I hope you paid for your drink first. But if you didn't turn around and apologize for stealing the wonderful drink and pay for it.)
5. Begin drinking & listening to music

See, now you're happy. And you're smiling. But you have a little something on your lip… There you go, you got it. Anyway, I told you this would make you happy. For less than $5 you can get 16 oz. of happiness. But don't think that happiness always comes when you pay for it. Because even free things can make you smile. Like a coupon for a free Starbucks and an iTunes gift card you got from your grandma. (Actually, she bought you a bright pink sparkle sweater, but you exchanged it for this gift card instead)